Sunday, January 18, 2009

Armchair Confessional VII: Church

I must confess, ladies, that I really don't feel like going these days. Caleb and I switched churches earlier in the year because after over four years at the same church, he was just unable to connect with any of the men (and this was after being in three different men's group). It's nothing against the church we attended, great church, great people, we just sort of surmised that maybe people were maxed out on their relaionship quotas. It's a very small town where we were attending church and about 90% of the people who attend are from the same six or seven families and all grew up together. I think they just didn't "need" to make new connections and so Caleb just couldn't get in there.

So now we are at a much smaller church in the city, and Caleb really likes it. He's joined the men's group and he's making connectiions, building relationships. Which is wonderful! The problem is, their only small group for women is on Tuesday nights, which is the night I do Awanna at our old church, and I don't want to stop going to that for lots of reasons (I will post on another time). So... I just don't feel very connected there. And because our attendence has been off and on since we've been there, as I travelled a lot this year, I always sort of feel like people are saying to me, "oh, you're here this week!" or "where have you been?" And while that sort of accountability is precisely what we wanted in a small church, I end up feeling like it's just judgemental nagging (which I KNOW it isn't... it's just my flesh thing) and my too-many-people-in-a-room-I-don't-know anxiety REALLY rears it's ugly head every Sunday morning. I'm about to get in the shower to get ready to go and... my stomach is in knots.

I'd appreciate prayer on this one, ladies. I pray all of your times of worship and fellowship are great today!


Walking on Sunshine... said...

I think people mean well by saying that to you, it's just that it DOES come across as if "where have you been? Are you still saved?" As if when we get to heaven there's going to be an attendance book opened up and prizes given for perfect attendance! Life happens! Hope it went well yesterday and you were welcomed as the Lord would welcome you...Welcome HOME!

Nana 2 four said...

I will definitely be praying for you. Our church should be a safe haven of comfort and the presence of God. I hope that you had a day full of worship and Jesus!

Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers,